Interview with a Baseball Coach

Island Pond, VT - August 22, 2005: We caught up with Tim S. on a rare slow day, so he had plenty of time to indulge us in a truly memorable interview. What follows is the complete transcript from thirty minutes of magic. Enjoy...

RR: What's your first childhood memory?
TS: Tough one... Not really sure. I could make something up, but I'm gonna play this one straight. For some reason I remember being afraid to eat steamed clams at one point... Also I was somewhat fascinated with handles and buttons when I was little. I think there may have been some sort of water ban in NJ (where I was born) and I remember getting yelled at for flushing the toilet repeatedly for no apparent reason.

Very early Bedford memory: My mom and Mrs. Storer meeting for the first time at the old Friendly's and arranging a play date with Dave (we had just moved to Bedford). I think we played wiffleball, got in a fight over balls and strikes, and Mrs. Storer made us apologize and eat a banana (which she informed us is a "happy" fruit). Dave and I pretty much have the same relationship now, but the arguments over balls and strikes have been replaced by poker, and the new happy fruit is beer.

RR: Who was the first teacher you had a crush on?
TS: Maybe the easiest question I've ever been asked in my life... Mrs. McGraw. God I love that woman. I think I received something like 70 detentions in six grade, and it was awesome.

RR: What's your favorite curse word?
TS: Horseshit

RR: If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?
TS: Where the Streets Have No Name - U2... Fast enough tempo to wake you up, mellow enough to calm you down.

RR: What's your favorite condiment?
TS: Hickory smoked BBQ sauce... No question. I have BBQ sauce with soup sometimes, swear to God. Heinz ketchup is a close second, but what's more important to know is that condiments are pretty much my favorite food. For probably 10 months out of the year, there's nothing in my fridge but beer, ketchup, honey mustard, cocktail sauce, mayonnaise, relish, hickory smoked BBQ sauce, and straight-up-no-frills yellow mustard. There's nothing that can't be improved by Kraft singles and a condiment... nothing.

RR: Finish this sentence, "After a long day at work I like to _______________________."
TS: Take my pants off as soon as its socially acceptable.

RR: What's your favorite Road Rally memory?
TS: Jebus that's a tough one... One jumps to mind: Barry's debut on the flip-cup table. Anyway, for anyone who wasn't there, Barry, who was having difficulty standing up and using consonants at the time, lit the flip-cup playing world on fire. He hit something like his first 12 in a row. It was remarkable. It probably was the single greatest unanticipated athletic achievement I've ever seen in my entire life (and I'm not joking).

RR: Bugs Bunny or Road Runner?
TS: Can't I just choose Jessica Rabbit? Hottest cartoon character ever.

RR: Have you ever stayed up until sunrise at the Farm?
TS: Have I ever not?

RR: I didn't ask, but you'd like to share?
TS: So rarely do I get asked a question that allows me the freedom to completely submerge myself in my own slimy self-indulgence.... Here goes:

- I think Waterworld is a remarkably watchable movie...I mean, I know it's terrible and all, but for some reason when it's on TV, I'm rivoted to the screen.

- I think when Roone Arledge left Monday Night Football to makeover ABC News in order appeal to a wider audience and boost ratings, it fundamentally altered out nation's future.

- "Pimp My Ride" is not entertaining, and I can't tell if I think MTV sucks because they stopped playing videos, or because I'm older and am no longer the target demographic... One thing's for certain, their coverage of Live 8 was absolutely tragic.

- I don't care about Natalie Hollawell...

- Slightly to the left...

- I understand what gravity does, but I don't fully understand what it is.

- Jokes about the size of my ass don't bother me a bit, and deep down I know you're all jealous.

- I thought I was going to die during the fireworks display last year and almost shit my pants.

- I'm five hours away from a hot dog eating contest that I know I'll win.

Anyway, thanks for helping me kill a significant portion of my lunch hour (which is great because I'm not eating in preparation for the hot dog eating contest). Looking forward to seeing everyone.

[Ed Note: When he's not eating hot dogs and answering questions from Island Pond Times, Tim manages a 16 & under baseball team.]