Press Release: Big Red Back in the Red and Procrastination Packs a Punch

Island Pond, VT - August 25, 2005: It's been a tumultuous Thursday, to say the least. Big Red team captain Chris F. repaired a headlight problem on their flagship big, red crew cab and former champs Erik and Jake answered the call and joined long shot Procrastinator as co-pilots.

Official Rally prognosticator Bob Hobson commented on the surprising announcements, "Someone get me a martini over here! Holy $%!&! We're on here? uh... sorry about that. This is a big moment in Rally history. Putting Big Red back in Big Red is a huge move in the karma department. Whoa! I've got to catch my breath here... wow! Where's my !#$%&*! martini!?!?"

"Erik and Jake joining Procrastinators is collosal! It reminds me of David Beckham and Posh Spice signing with Real Madrid. That clearly upset the balance of power in EU soccer and so does this with the Rally tomorrow. I'm....... speechless. Get me the oxygen!!!"

Rally color commentator Mark K. offered his trademark, level-headed analysis, "Erik and Chris won the title as teammates in 2002, so having them on competing interests adds another dimension to this years race. I wouldn't be surprised to see subtle sabotage enter into the mix. These guys are sneaky."

We were able to contact Erik, but he was unable to comment at the time because he was in the midst of power slamming multiple beers and carrying on like a "giddy school girl" at the prospect of joining the race this year. Early reports had him working deep into Friday evening, but apparently he found a loophole and was able to join the Rally at the 11th hour.

Chris had little to say when reached for comment, "I don't think adding Erik and Jake to Procrastinators changes things too much. Erik's clearly over the hill and he's a bit of a loose cannon, so good luck to them. I'm just gonna keep an eye out for "the banana in the tail pipe" trick... I'm not falling for "the banana in the tail pipe" trick."

Once Hobson was able to choke down several martinis and enjoy a couple minutes of pure O2 he came back to us with adjusted odds for tomorrow's Rally:

1. Isosceles - 5:2
2. Big Red - 3:1
3. Akina All Stars - 4:1
4. Procrastination - 4:1
5. Mini Coops - 6:1 (he liked TBird's trash talking)
6. Popped Biscuits - 12:1

Press Release: Final Rally Teams/Odds

Island Pond, VT - August 25, 2005: With just under 24 hours until the start of the 2005 Island Pond Road Rally it's time to release final odds for the main event. It's an intriguing line-up from a number of angles...

1. Isosceles (3-1) - Andy, Jeremy & Erin - driving a blue VW Passat
Notes: Isosceles has maintained laser-like focus despite all the hype surrounding their bid to achieve immortality with three wins in a row. This no nonsense, business-like attitude toward the Rally is what's propelled them to victory the last two years... we don't see any compelling reasons why it will change this year.

2. Akina All Stars (4-1) - David, Patrick, Robert - driving a Toyota 4Runner
Notes: David and Patrick return from a solid performance in 2004 (their rookie campaign) and seemed to have banked a lot of knowledge from their first time through. They're asking the right questions and packing the right materials to make a serious run at the title.

3. Big Red (4-1) - Chris, Darren, Bizzy, Nicole, Jessica - driving a tan Suburban
Notes: If I've learned one thing over the years it's to never rule out a Chris F. team. He has a knack for bringing together the right talent at the right time to get the job done. Add in the fact that he's been publicly embarressed by his performances over the last two years and you have a recipe for success. Expect them to assume the "spread formation" upon entering a town, attacking multiple scavenger items with precision and glee.

4. Mini Coops (7-1) - Theresa & Bill - driving a Mini Cooper
Notes: You may be wondering why a team that couldn't even come up with a name until just before this posting deservers this much respect? Well, Theresa and Bill have both experience and a Mini Cooper on their side. If I had to design a car for the Rally it would probably be a Mini with all wheel drive. My only concern with this team is that they don't have the endurance to seriously compete in 2005.

5. Popped Biscuits (12-1) - Joe, Greg, The Spotted Bitch - driving an orange VW Thing
Notes: Standard odds for a rookie team are 15-1, but this squad seems poised to break through that barrier. They have an outside shot to place, but I expect them to make costly mistakes as they learn the ins/outs of the Island Pond Road Rally. Also, their brakes are suspect in the Thing, which will impact their overall time. With the knowledge they gather this year they will be a force in 2006.

6. Procrastination (15-1) - Jeff, Ruth, Phil - driving a Jeep Grand Cherokee
Notes: Consider this team the dark horse in 2005. It's hard to put a finger on where they'll place... I just don't get a vibe from them yet. They have oodles of experience on their side, but it's unclear if they have the karma to pull it off. If a true co-pilot emerges to take control and guide this team they have a good shot to place. Just too much in the air to make an accurate call at this point.

The Rally teams will be gathering at the Pheasant Lane Mall in Nashua at noon tomorrow to go over rules and get started. They will be on the road for quite a while, arriving in Island Pond sometime after dark. We look forward to having you all at the Farm to welcome them in.

Safe travels all.

Press Release: Updated Weather Forecast

Island Pond, VT - August 24, 2005: The national weather service is predicting extreme weather for northern Vermont over the weekend (supported by the picture above). But we are hardy souls and will press on with the plans for RR2005.

Normally, "bugspray" is both the word and scent for the weekend, but, given the situation, we're changing the word of the 2005 weekend to "umbrella." We are adding umbrellas to the rally list and hope you all bring and extra one or two for your friends.

If you have a spare airplane hangar lying around and can bring it north it would be appreciated. We're planning to spend most of Friday digging tornado shelters and putting the hurricane shutters back up on the house.

Have a safe trip and please pull over if the rains are too heavy for you to drive safely.

Press Release: Field of Dreams?

Island Pond, VT - August 24, 2005: The fields are mowed, the mound is formed and the "field of dreams" is ready for players. Bring your glove, bat, helmet, pine tar, extra balls, and favorite "Yogi-ism" for the Late Summer Classic in Island Pond.

Jon R. is the chairman of the big game, slated for late morning/early afternoon on Saturday. Send him an email if you have any questions and/or would like to nominate someone for MVP status.

As in past years, we expect a full array of celebrities for the game. Vanilla Ice, Penelope Cruz and Oscar the Grouch have tentatively accepted invitations.

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In unrelated news, Big Red has been downgraded from co-favorite to middle of the pack on news that they aren't actually rallying in Big Red. More detail in a forthcoming release.

Press Release: Akina is Feeling Their Oats

Island Pond, VT - August 24, 2005: Is Akina Speed Stars poised to snatch the Plaque o' Green from two-time champ Isosceles? Akina's driver seems to think so...

"Our game face has been on for the past week and all I can say is that Akina’s comin’ with our A game. We think about the competition but we don’t let what they say or claim cloud our focus. No longer are we rookies; we are now a hungry sophomore team that will not falter in the face of competition.

Perhaps it’s our focus, Perhaps it’s our drive, Perhaps it’s because we aren’t afraid to piss in bottles or maybe it’s the mingled smell of keg beer, pork and quad exhaust that will drive us to the finish line in victorious glory. I can assure you that Team Akina will be standing in front of the bonfire with our hands in the air brandishing the Island Pond Trophy come Friday night."

Patrick H. - Driver for Team Akina

Press Release: The Hallowed Plaque o' Green

Island Pond, VT - August 24, 2005: As we wind down the last few hours before post time it's important to acknowlege Isosceles, who have been excellent stewards of the crown of Road Rally Champions. We appreciate all the time and effort they've put in with appearances on talk shows, tractor pulls and children's birthday parties. We're sorry about the mishap last month with the thongs at the old folks home - you handled it like true champions.

Several teams have asked for a view of the Plaque o' Green, since it changes hands so quickly in Island Pond and then is whisked away to an undisclosed location. So here it is in all its glory.



For history buffs among us here's a photo of the back of the Plaque, where winning team and margin of victory are recorded. Note the margin last year... four minutes! For Rally teams that are going to give it a "try" this year, I like to quote our little friend Yoda:

"Do or do not do; there is no 'try'."

Press Release: Popped Biscuits Serves Notice to the Field

Island Pond, VT - August 23, 2005: This afternoon, Team Popped Biscuits released a carefully worded retort to their detractors by way of email to RR HQ. The following is the release in its entirety:

"I'm pleased to see that our odds have increased from 30:1 to 20:1 in recent days. This tells me that the rest of the participants may be coming to terms with the fact that Joe, The Spotted Bitch (the brains behind our operation) and I could well be in contention. All of your idle threats mean nothing to Team Popped Biscuits.

One thing that must be understood is that, despite our severe horsepower handicap, we've got an ass-load of tenacity and a serious case of ingenuity in our favor. Combined with my Beastly English Brawn (tm) and Joe's Boyish Looks (he's a favorite toy amongst the faithful sects) and our very own Secret Weapon, we can get done, whatever needs to get done. I understand Joe's bringing his "P-Town Slippers" (aka: kneepads) just in case.

Also noteworthy is that I drove solo in a similar VW THING, with LESS HP, on a 10 month, X-country trip six years ago. Took six weeks to get to Seattle via back roads but damn it, I made it. Island Pond really isn't that far away by comparison.

I also know where the bars are en route, being a Lyndon State Graduate (or so I'm told). If time permits, we might head up to Sherbrook, Canada for some hot-strip-club-action at Studio Sex. So, in the name of self preservation, I suggest you guys stop belittling the hidden powers of the VW THING. It's by choice we are taking the THING - trust me, we have faster options at our disposal.

Laugh not at it's orange glow in your rearview mirror because what it lacks in speed... cornering.. braking.. safety...comfort... it makes up for in endurance & charm. I might even stop on the side of the road to lend a hand to the team in the Trans Am... only long enough to remember that I only carry metric tools... before unleashing all 46 air-cooled horsepower again.

I'd also like to add that the speculation early on that we forged our team because Joe was abused by his brothers of Team Akina Speed Stars as a child is a bunch of hooey. Joe may be afraid of his brothers,but I'm not. I think they should change their name to "Team Pushovers".
See you in Island Pond.. Eventually. -greg-"

Ed. Note: In related news, RR2005 color commentator Mark K. (a three time Rally Champion in his own right) called in from a yak on mainland China to comment on Popped Biscuits odds and chances, "I'm gonna put a lot of yuan on Popped Biscuits at 20-1. Hobson seems to think their lack of horsepower is a disadvantage, but I see it as an advantage. Here's the rub... even though they'll only be able to get the Thing up to 30-40 mph, with the pedal to the floorboards, they'll be much more aware of their surroundings. This should translate into fewer speed-related missed opportunities. However, whether or not they can stop and turn around in an efficient way remains to be seen. I still think the current odds make them a good wager at this point."

Press Release: Vegas Odds Revised

Island Pond, VT - August 22, 2005: "This one is just too close to call," began Bob Hobson, chief oddsmaker for the 2005 Island Pond Road Rally. "In years past, we were able to clearly identify the strengths and weakness of each team and place them in proper odds categories. This year is different. Isosceles has regained their focus and looks every bit the two-time champion they are. Big Red is starting to look a lot like the team Fielding put together in 2002. Finally, the Akina Speed Stars resemble a young Isoceles in their composition and drive. The top three are truly neck and neck."

"We're pleased to have such a competive field this year," commented Jim S., chief strategist for Road Rally 2005. "With Isosceles going for their third in a row it's nice to see solid competition from proven veterans. We expect this could be one of the closest finishes to date. There are several other teams that aim to break into the top three, but at this time that seems unlikely."

Popped Biscuits remains a dark horse entry, rallying in a beautiful, but underpowered VW Thing (circa 1972). Team Jake has disbanded, but reports are that Erin has pulled together with a high school friend (and a Trans-Am) to field a rookie team for the race. Black Jap Riders is currently in disarray and may not field a team at all this year. Several other teams are undefined at this time, but may emerge as solid candidates as the week wears on.

Current Vegas Odds:
Akina Speed Stars: 3-1
Isosceles: 3-1
Big Red: 3-1
Trans Fat: 15-1
Popped Biscuits: 20-1
Black Jap Riders: 50-1

Careful readers will notice that Popped Biscuits has gone from 30-1 to 20-1 in the past three days. Conversations with this team suggest they may be wise beyond their years and could surprise us all.

Interview with a Baseball Coach

Island Pond, VT - August 22, 2005: We caught up with Tim S. on a rare slow day, so he had plenty of time to indulge us in a truly memorable interview. What follows is the complete transcript from thirty minutes of magic. Enjoy...

RR: What's your first childhood memory?
TS: Tough one... Not really sure. I could make something up, but I'm gonna play this one straight. For some reason I remember being afraid to eat steamed clams at one point... Also I was somewhat fascinated with handles and buttons when I was little. I think there may have been some sort of water ban in NJ (where I was born) and I remember getting yelled at for flushing the toilet repeatedly for no apparent reason.

Very early Bedford memory: My mom and Mrs. Storer meeting for the first time at the old Friendly's and arranging a play date with Dave (we had just moved to Bedford). I think we played wiffleball, got in a fight over balls and strikes, and Mrs. Storer made us apologize and eat a banana (which she informed us is a "happy" fruit). Dave and I pretty much have the same relationship now, but the arguments over balls and strikes have been replaced by poker, and the new happy fruit is beer.

RR: Who was the first teacher you had a crush on?
TS: Maybe the easiest question I've ever been asked in my life... Mrs. McGraw. God I love that woman. I think I received something like 70 detentions in six grade, and it was awesome.

RR: What's your favorite curse word?
TS: Horseshit

RR: If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?
TS: Where the Streets Have No Name - U2... Fast enough tempo to wake you up, mellow enough to calm you down.

RR: What's your favorite condiment?
TS: Hickory smoked BBQ sauce... No question. I have BBQ sauce with soup sometimes, swear to God. Heinz ketchup is a close second, but what's more important to know is that condiments are pretty much my favorite food. For probably 10 months out of the year, there's nothing in my fridge but beer, ketchup, honey mustard, cocktail sauce, mayonnaise, relish, hickory smoked BBQ sauce, and straight-up-no-frills yellow mustard. There's nothing that can't be improved by Kraft singles and a condiment... nothing.

RR: Finish this sentence, "After a long day at work I like to _______________________."
TS: Take my pants off as soon as its socially acceptable.

RR: What's your favorite Road Rally memory?
TS: Jebus that's a tough one... One jumps to mind: Barry's debut on the flip-cup table. Anyway, for anyone who wasn't there, Barry, who was having difficulty standing up and using consonants at the time, lit the flip-cup playing world on fire. He hit something like his first 12 in a row. It was remarkable. It probably was the single greatest unanticipated athletic achievement I've ever seen in my entire life (and I'm not joking).

RR: Bugs Bunny or Road Runner?
TS: Can't I just choose Jessica Rabbit? Hottest cartoon character ever.

RR: Have you ever stayed up until sunrise at the Farm?
TS: Have I ever not?

RR: I didn't ask, but you'd like to share?
TS: So rarely do I get asked a question that allows me the freedom to completely submerge myself in my own slimy self-indulgence.... Here goes:

- I think Waterworld is a remarkably watchable movie...I mean, I know it's terrible and all, but for some reason when it's on TV, I'm rivoted to the screen.

- I think when Roone Arledge left Monday Night Football to makeover ABC News in order appeal to a wider audience and boost ratings, it fundamentally altered out nation's future.

- "Pimp My Ride" is not entertaining, and I can't tell if I think MTV sucks because they stopped playing videos, or because I'm older and am no longer the target demographic... One thing's for certain, their coverage of Live 8 was absolutely tragic.

- I don't care about Natalie Hollawell...

- Slightly to the left...

- I understand what gravity does, but I don't fully understand what it is.

- Jokes about the size of my ass don't bother me a bit, and deep down I know you're all jealous.

- I thought I was going to die during the fireworks display last year and almost shit my pants.

- I'm five hours away from a hot dog eating contest that I know I'll win.

Anyway, thanks for helping me kill a significant portion of my lunch hour (which is great because I'm not eating in preparation for the hot dog eating contest). Looking forward to seeing everyone.

[Ed Note: When he's not eating hot dogs and answering questions from Island Pond Times, Tim manages a 16 & under baseball team.]

Interview with a Road Rally Champion

Island Pond, VT - August 22, 2005: Jeremy C. is one side of Isosceles, the reigning Road Rally champion. Poised for a three-peat, he took time out from Isosceles' brutal training regimen to speak with us. It was a quick interview - both Andy and Erin shot disapproving glances our way as they continued running tires, executing lunges, and perfecting the "stop, drop and roll."

RR: What's your first childhood memory?
JC: Tim S. running naked around my yard when we were camping in my backyard. A true sign of Tim on future camping trips.

RR: Who was the first teacher you had a crush on?
JC: Ms. Gaposkin (sp?) -Her brown hair and slightly wrinkled skin sure was a turn on for a 6th grader...

RR: What's your favorite curse word?
JC: Mother Fucker

RR: If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?
JC: Barrell of a Gun by Guster

RR: What's your favorite condiment?
JC: Mustard (the spicy kind)

RR: Finish this sentence, "After a long day at work I like to _______________________."
JC: eat a turkey sandwich with provalone cheese, pickles, and mustard (the spicy kind)

RR: What's your favorite Road Rally memory?
JC: Being announced champions in 2003. The adrenaline rush was great, I felt like we had just won the superbowl and champagne was exploding all over us.

RR: Bugs Bunny or Road Runner?
JC: Bugs Bunny. I can't stand the noise that the road runner makes <BR>

RR: Have you ever stayed up until sunrise at the Farm?
JC: Yes. Can't remember the year, but Dave had his Explorer and around 3:30am or 4am we went off-roading...probably not the safest thing I have ever done, but memorable and fun never-the-less <BR>

RR: I didn't ask, but you'd like to share?
JC: I'm honored that you took the time to write me an email. I've been reading the Island Pond Times and the various articles that have been released and I'm very impressed with you and your staff's writing skills. I'm slightly disappointing in the recent turn of events with the vegas odd-makers and the fact that Isoceles has slipped out of being the favorite. The three of us have been working hard in the off-season to improve our knowledge of the state of Vermont as well as New Hampshire. We are primed and ready for this years road rally...ready to attempt the 3-peat...

Press Release: Ted Miller on the Prowl

Island Pond, VT - August 21, 2005: One of my brothers is concerned that I haven't written enough about Teddy Miller, the evil constable of greater Island Pond. Here's the lowdown for those not "in the know."

Ted is known throughout northern Vermont for his strict adherence to traffic laws in and around the hamlet of Island Pond, Vermont. He hands out more traffic tickets in this small town (<1000> than the city of Burlington (population 40,000). Ok, I just made that up, but it may be true... you get the point.

In order to avoid the hassle (and cost) of a ticket from Ted we recommend the following actions once you're within 10 miles of Island Pond:

• Come to a complete stop at all stop signs. Count it out - no rolling stops. Story: He pulled my sister over for a rolling stop at 11:30pm on a weekday evening... there wasn't a single car within twenty miles of her. Result: $130 ticket. Ouch!
• Drive below the posted speed limit once in Island Pond proper. in most cases 25 mph is fine, but it may be 20 mph in some spot. Story: I once passed Ted doing 95 mph and he was none too happy with me when he caught up to me just 20 yards from our driveway. Result: $150 ticket. Lesson: If you're gonna drive like an @ss be prepared for the consequences.
• Use turn signals for all turns. No story here, but there are several turns you make on your approach to the Farm - use signals for them all.

I guess that's it. Consider yourself warned.

Pond Party Information: What to Bring, Do, Not Do

Hi Folks - We’re excited you’re making the trip north to Island Pond this weekend. What to Bring, What to Do, and What Not to Do? These lists cover the essential information for your trip to the Pond this weekend (not meant to be exhaustive, but should be a good guide).

If you’ve never been to The Farm in Island Pond, please continue reading and consider printing this out.

What to Bring:

1. Tent. The “sleeping in the car” thing gets old fast – rent one at REI if you need to.
2. Sleeping bag and/or blanket(s) and a pillow
3. Long pants and a warm coat. It can get down into the 40’s (F) at night in Island Pond.
4. A flashlight or lantern. The best campsites are about 100 yards from the bonfire, through the deep, black darkness that is Northern Vermont.
5. Food and snacks. We have a feast planned for Saturday night, but food is limited and up to you during the other times. Bring some breakfast foods and cold cuts, etc. to eat/share until the pig roast on Saturday night. We’ll have soda and spring water on hand – you may want to bring a Nalgene bottle.
6. A cooler. To keep your stash nice and cold.
7. Bugspray and sunscreen. This may be less important this year, with the cold temp’s at night, but Deep Woods Off will always be the scent of the weekend.
8. Sneakers or shoes that do ok near a fire. There’s a good chance they’ll get dirty and wet around the fire and in the Vermont dew.
9. A few pairs of socks. See #8, there’s nothing worse than cold feet.
10. A couple of towels and a bathing suit. For swimming/showering.
11. Rain gear. Just in case – the weather in Vermont’s NEK is unpredictable.
12. An old wood chair. We have some logs to sit on around the fire, but seats are coveted. Bring your own to use and share. Wood is nice because we can burn it when it breaks. Folding chairs are ok too.
13. Another pair of long pants. Just in case #3 gets wet and/or dirty - this is likely.
14. Hiking shoes if you want to hike a nearby mountain on Saturday. Mt Pisgah in Westmore is an awesome 3 hour hike.
15. A baseball glove, ball and bat for the game on Saturday if you wish.

What to Do:

1. Be Green. Label a cup with your favorite nickname when you get to the Farm. Try to use the same cup for the whole weekend.
2. Be Green (Part 2). Use trash barrels labeled “Burnable” for stuff that we can put in the fire. Put glass, cans, recyclable plastic, etc. in “Recycle” trashcans to pack out (there’s no trash pick-up in Island Pond). Help us pack out by taking as much as you can when you take off on Sunday.
3. Bring warm clothes that are ok near a fire. Ok, we already mentioned this, but it’s worth saying again. The bonfire can get big sometimes and the sparks start to swirl. Keep an eye on them and save your clothes. Don’t think high fashion when packing for the weekend and leave your best winter shell at home.
4. Set up your tent before you hit the kegs on Friday. It’s just not fun for you at 2am, although the rest of us will enjoy the show. Ask a veteran for the best spots to avoid the am sun/sauna effect.
5. If you can make it, stay up all night and check out the sunrise. There’s usually a pretty devoted group that makes it all night and it’s amazing to watch the changes happen between 3am and 6am (listening to the birds “wake up”).
6. If you do #5, plan to nap for a few hours in the morning and then get back on the horse for another day of good, pure fun.
7. If you want to get provisions in Island Pond, Ted’s Market is the best place around. There’s another market in town, but Ted’s always been nice to us and we know he’d appreciate the business. He on the left as you head into town.
8. Use the outdoor shower, spring-fed swimming holes, or Island Pond to “freshen up”. Keep the showers quick and let your friends enjoy the warm water magic.
9. Give the house a break… use the Porta-Potty… it’s the deluxe version!
10. If you’re up early (pre-8am), get out for breakfast. Jennifer’s in town serves up a huge and economical breakfast. Go early to avoid the crowds (especially from our group).
11. If you’re not an early riser, bring breakfast fixings. We’ll have gas grills, a gas stove, running water, and maybe a toaster or two to help you wake up. The lines downtown will be pretty long after 9am. Bring enough to share and you’ll make fast friends with some recovering party-goers.
12. Kick back and enjoy the weekend!

What not to Do:

1. Don’t drive fast in and around Island Pond. Beware of Teddy Miller, the Constable in Island Pond. He patrols the greater Island Pond vicinity. Start playing by “his rules” about 5-10 miles from the town limits. He’ll ticket you for driving 1 mph over the speed limit. Really!!! Stop and count to three at all stop signs. Basically, think back to Driving School and do your best. He hasn’t pulled anyone over for failing to use the “10 and 2” hand position, but I’d hate to be the first. You get the picture.
2. Please don’t smoke in or around the house/barns. Please properly dispose of your cigarette butts (the bonfire is also ok) before entering any of the dwellings on the property. The storage shed (adjacent to the horseshoe pits) used to be a two-story barn before a fire took out the top two floors. Fortunately, it happened before we bought the property.
3. Please don’t drink and drive. We should have pretty much everything you need at the Farm. Please bring along extra cigarettes (if you smoke) and anything else you might need to help get you through the night. Let us know if you need something and don’t feel you should drive - we’ll see what we can do.

That’s about it. Look at the bulletin board in the garage for updates throughout the weekend. The Rally teams will be arriving in Island Pond at ~9-10pm, so try to get up to the Farm early and congratulate them on a job well done.

Have a safe ride and we’ll see you this weekend!

The Storer Family and Friends

PS… If you have a Team entered in the Road Rally, please send email ASAP. If you don’t have a team entered in the Rally, do it now… it only happens once a year!

For directions to the Farm In Island Pond, please send us an email (not published here for security reasons).

Interview with Perennial Whipping Boy Jeff M.

Island Pond, VT - August 21, 2005: Often misunderstood, but always good intentioned, Jeff M. is typically found on the wrong end of practical jokes and unprovoked diatribes. Through this he maintains a healthy perspective on life, love, and libations. We submit the following interview from a recent discussion with Jeff to prove once and for all that he's not quite as big an @ss as we all know he is...


RR: What's your first childhood memory?
JM: I barely remember yesterday nevermind 20 some years ago.

RR: Who was the first teacher you had a crush on?
JM: Mrs. Ralston no question. I can only imagine if you asked this question to today's middle schoolers 10 years from now..."who was the first teacher you slept with?" would be how it would go.

RR: What's your favorite curse word?
JM: It's not quite a curse word...but it needs to become more mainstream...FUB...ask Kris S. what it means during the weekend.

RR: If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?
JM: Beautiful Day by U2.

RR: What's your favorite condiment?
JM: I'm going with ketchup. and I don't care what people say...it goes just fine on hot dogs.

RR: Finish this sentence, "After a long day at work I like to _______________________."
JM: ...think about when my last LONG DAY at work will be.

RR: What's your favorite Road Rally memory?
JM: Sarajian taking the long way out of the parking lot every time...wait no that SUCKED and allowed Isosceles to win last year. I guess my favorite memory will be finishing off that damn ice cream sandwich Dave made eat last year.

RR: Bugs Bunny or Road Runner?
JM: Wile E. Coyote. One day he's going to get that oblivious Road Runner.

RR: Have you ever stayed up until sunrise at the Farm?
JM: Only once...when I met Jenn & talked to her the whole night. I think I paid my dues after that...no need to do it anymore.

RR: I didn't ask, but you'd like to share?
JM: No more questions. This interview is OVER!

[Ed Note: This is Jeff's last hurrah - he and Jenn are walking down the aisle next weekend. Make sure to buy him a beer and give him one last kick in the pants.]

Press Release: Prepare for Rain All Weekend

Island Pond, VT - August 19, 2005: Unfortunately, it looks like it's going to rain all weekend (see above). Weather.com is a sure bet to mis-forecast every time. Despite their ominous prediction of lightning, thunder, and driving rain on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, we are determined to go on with the weekend.

In preparation, we ask all event attendees to bring/wear a life preserver at all times and also please bring a 20' section of rope to secure yourself to one of the buildings on the premises.

There is always an outside chance that the weather predictions may change, but in the meantime it may make sense for you to begin shopping for foul weather gear.

Of course, with rain comes the high speed slip 'n slide. Not for the faint of heart, the HS S&S is sure to give you lasting memories (and grass burns). Enjoy!

Press Release: Official Nag of the 2005 Road Rally Announced

Island Pond, VT - August 19, 2005: It really was no contest. Michael W. has been named the official nag of the 2005 Road Rally/Pond Party in a landslide. His persistent requests for information and correspondence put him head and shoulders above his competition. Look for him in his trademark "N" tshirt and congratulate him on this prestigious award.

Interview with a Road Rally Veteran

We sat down with Phil C. get his perspective on a variety of issues and came away with a greater appreciation for white rappers. What follows has only been mildly edited to protect the innocent. Enjoy!

RR: What's your first childhood memory?
PC: Looking through playpen bars and shaking the world with them just like the inmate I always wanted to be. Real cool, Luke.

RR: Who was the first teacher you had a crush on?
PC: Miss Jones... 2nd grade brunette big red lips and such a great....

RR: What's your favorite curse word?
PC: Ass.

RR: If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?
PC: Summer Breeze by Francis Sinatra. Did you know he wrote this ditty in Hoboken on the corner outside his mothers house in 1938? Naw, I just made all that up.

RR: What's your favorite condiment?
PC: Ketchup has that calming effect I need after a long hard day.

RR: Finish this sentence, "After a long day at work I like to____.

PC: Take off my clothes and get all ketchupy...mmm... therapeutic.

RR: What's your favorite Road Rally memory?

PC: In the hot tub not looking at BOOBs (but really looking at boobs).

RR: Bugs Bunny or Road Runner?
PC: The bunny is cool and articulate, which I like in a cartoon character.

RR: Have you ever stayed up until sunrise at the Farm?
PC: Yeah, stark raving sober too. Props to the partystyle yo, diddy in the NEK.

RR: Thanks for taking time out of your busy day to share with us. Before I let you get back to your kegel exercises, is there anything I didn't ask, but you'd like to share?
PC: Yes, I'd like to share, absolutely, so just ask what you'd like. I will share at that point, not now, but later when anyone thinks what would be good, sharing is what it's all about. Thanks Jim, Jon and Dave for sharing this gift of a game, hospitality and hard work all.

Press Release: Big Red Comes Up Roses

Island Pond, VT - August 16, 2005: The former champions are beginning to "get their house in order." Team Big Red has been hunting for a female presence on their squad after a lackluster, male-only effort in 2004.



"I learned last year that waiting until the last minute to recruit team members isn't the best strategy," offered Chris F., Big Red's team captain. "Estrogen is an essential part of the rally team make-up and I'm not going to blow it again this year."

Color analyst and former Rally Champ Mark K. gave his perspective on this growing concern, "I've done it with men and I've done it with women and I have to say everything is a lot smoother with a woman. It just all seems to fall into place."

There's still no indication of who may be joining Big Red, but it's clear Chris means business in 2005. The Plaque o' Green shivers with anticipation.

Vegas upgraded Big Red to 4-1 on the news.

In an unrelated development, Isosceles continues to iron out issues with their unorthodox domestic arrangement. Apparently, they've decided Ciacciatz is too phonetically challenging, so they're considering a legal name change to Katcia (cachya).

Bob Hobson couldn't help but comment, "These kids just need to put this behind them and begin focusing on the task at hand. Control of the remote, dishpan hands and now name changes... you've got to be kidding me!?!? The last time we had this much conflict Terry ended up upside down in the keg barrel." (Note: Inside story alert - can be explained around the bonfire.)

Vegas reacted strongly to this news, downgrading Isosceles to 6-1 odds to win.

Press Release: Team Popped Biscuits Enters the Fray

Island Pond, VT - August 16, 2005: We have received (and accepted) a Road Rally application from three rookies with ties to the Northeast Kingdom. Joe, Greg and The Spotted Bitch will compete for the prized Plaque o' Green, driving a vintage VW Thing.



One team member attended nearby Lyndon State College (in a drug-induced haze I imagine), another suffers from diminished self-esteem due to repeated beatings from an older brother during his childhood; The Spotted Bitch is, by all accounts, quite becoming and certainly not contagious.

Bob Hobson chimed in, "Rookies rarely finish the Rally, let alone place. I expect this crew will find the hills and back roads a bit too much in their under-powered car. It only has 46 #$%#@ horses!"

Popped Biscuits' team captain Joe P. countered, "Those are 46 @#$%&! clydesdales! Hobson's such a meathead. We'll show him."

Popped Bisuits' driver Greg F. continued, "Horsepower's overrated, man. It's less about size and more about how you use it... err... I think I'm talking about something else... bong hit... need bong hit."

Island Pond Inc. is initiating coverage on Popped Biscuits at 30-1 to win, 15-1 to place and 5-1 to make it in before midnight on 8/27.

Press Release: Akina Speed Stars Move from Dark Horse to Early Favorite in Vegas

Island Pond, VT - August 10, 2005 - In a stunning turn of events, last year's third place Road Rally team has been installed as the early favorite for the 2005 event. 2004 was the rookie campaign for the Akina Speed Stars.

Citing the recent news regarding Isoceles and the general disarray in the Big Red camp, Vegas oddsmaker Bob Hobson commented,"Akina was clearly a dark horse in 2004, going out at 15-1 odds. But they performed well under the strain and pressure of the day-long event and showed they have what it takes to compete at this level."

Akina Speed Stars team captain David P. was surprised but pleased with the announcement,"We learned a lot in 2004 and have put it to good use in developing our training regimen for the off-season. Clearly our bladder management was sub-par in 2004, so we've worked hard to insure we can each go at least eight hours without a pit stop." David continued, "We also made a subtle but important footware mistake in 2004. Sandals just don't cut it on the rally circuit, so we've been in the labs with New Balance developing a hybrid sneaker with a couple of twists. Look out for ASS!"

Isoceles was indigant when reached for comment. "We're the two-time defending champions and we still having something to prove?" began Andy Ciacciatz as he channel surfed. "We clearly should be the favorite! All this does is motivate us to get cracking on our game plan." Jeremy and Erin Ciacciatz were busy doing dishes and could not be reached for comment.

Big Red team captain Chris F. seemed unfazed by the news. "I'm not even sure who's going to be in my car this year, why should I worry about the odds? I'll start thinking about the rally on August 27th." When it was pointed out the Road Rally would be run on August 26th, Chris continued, "Look, Jim's going to start calling me three or four days before the Rally to find out all sorts of stuff about my team, the car, our name... I figure he'll tell me when it is on one of those calls." It is this nonchalance that continues to impress oddsmakers and psychiatrists alike.

"Fielding shows an amazing ability to compartmentalize usually only seen in heads of state and CEos of multinational corporations," opined noted psychiatrist Skipper P. Gilligan III. "It's really quite alarming."

"His 'devil may care' attitude is very similar to that shown by Todd Brunner of Team Two Guys fame," added Hobson. "He just can't be fazed and that goes a long way in an event of this magnitude." Brunner and partner Todd Berard won three straight Road Rally titles in the early 1990's under the name Two Guys.*

Road Rally 2005 Odds - August 10, 2005

Akina Speed Stars... 5-2

Isosceles... 4-1

Big Red... 5-1

Black Jap Riders... 7-1

Jake... 10-1

Belly Flops... 15-1

Solarious... 20-1

Turtle Chasers... 30-1

Event details: The Island Pond Road Rally is an annual car race covering over 300 miles in New England. The route options change from year to year and each team is asked to pick up certain scavenger items along the way. The team that arrives in Island Pond, VT with the least amount of time on the road (minus deductions) is declared the winner and awarded the Plaque o' Green. For more information, please contact rally coordinator Jim S.

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(*Technically, the third title was won under the name Two Guys and a Girl, but their third teammate, Sue M., was, by all accounts, merely balast. )

Press Release: Team Isosceles to Wed

Island Pond, VT - August 3, 2005 - In an interesting twist on marriage, Isosceles team members Jeremy and Erin decide to include fellow Isosceles member Andy in their upcoming nuptials.

"We were thinking best man for Andy, but then decided 'why not go all the way and just make him a member of the family?' We're all pretty close as it is, so not much will change," commented Jeremy.

Invoking the little known "triplification clause" in Massachusetts marriage law allows couples to include a significant other in their holy union. The "triplifier" is not allowed to do dishes and retains control of the clicker at all family functions. Andy seems to be settling into his new role nicely, already referring to Erin as "my be-atch" and forcing Jeremy to watch re-runs of I Love Lucy during the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy time slot.

"Friends are wondering how this is going to work out, but we're a team... we are all equal parts of ISOSCELES," Andy remarked. "I may not be doing dishes in the Ciacciatz household, but I'll still pull my own weight."

When asked to comment on their peculiar arrangement, Erin simply said, "I really don't have anything to say about that right now, but I do wish Andy would just call me by my first name."

Vegas oddsmakers are mixed on the "triplification" of Isosceles. "Formalizing their relationship may help them in this year's Road Rally, but it could also create harmful conflict among the team members. I'm waiting to see how this plays out in the coming weeks before adjusting my odds," offered Bob Hobson, chief oddsmaker at the Sands Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas.

"I see a lot of parallels between this arrangement and what happened on Three's Company between season four and season five. John Ritter obviously couldn't handle both Suzanne and Joyce and it remains to be seen if Erin's up to the task this time," continued Hobson.

At this time, Isosceles remains a 5-2 favorite to three-peat as the Island Pond Road Rally champion.